The Biggest Problem with Going to the Movies is…: Cellphones

movietalker

The cellular phone is the worst thing to happen to the movie theatre experience.

I have less than zero patience for people who go to a 90-minute to two-and-half-hour movie and fiddle with their cell phone the whole time. This disrespectful moviegoer always seems to sit within a one-seat radius simply to rankle me. These people should know, though, that when it comes to texting during a movie, this polite, well-mannered Canadian is like The Hulk. You don’t want to see me angry. 

bunny angry

If I was a superhero vigilante, my mission would be to rid the world, or at least the continental United States, of movie ruiners, and the first guy I would hunt down is the dude who sat a seat away from me during Argo. Dude, you know who you are. 

Throwback Thursday: You know what you did!

You are the guy who checked his phone repeatedly throughout the movie. Fine. People are concerned about their post-movie meet-up, I get it. What I can’t accept – nay, won’t accept! – is when you move beyond monitoring your texts to actually composing an email – five paragraphs! – at the climax of the film.

Me, after staring at the man for two full minutes: “Excuse me. Are you going to put your phone away? It’s the climax of the movie and you’ve been on your phone for the whole <expletive> movie.”

Guy looks at me and gestures with his hands for me to simmer down. My blood boils over with rage. 

I want to talk to the ladies for a second. Just because you are looking at your cell phone in your purse doesn’t mute the bright glow of the screen. I know you’re checking your phone to see if that guy texted, but I can tell you he didn’t and honey, he’s not going to. If you aren’t able to enjoy the movie because this is eating away at you, then you should be drowning your sorrows at a bar, not illuminating them at the expense of everyone else’s theatre experience.

To the guy who got dragged to see Magic Mike by his lady: I’m sorry you’re bored. It’s a terrible movie with a ridiculous plot that and maybe you thought that the stripping would be balanced by an actual, interesting plot (call me stupid, but I did). But if you’re bored, then excuse yourself to the washroom. Don’t start scrolling through The New York Times mobile website.

Listen, there’s nothing I love more than going to the movies and being transported to another time, another time, another place, another world. Since when did movie theatres become a place where people live-tweet, text, and compose emails rather than pay attention to the wonder of the visual medium that is before them?

Screw Disney World. For me, the happiest place on Earth would be the Alamo Drafthouse theatre in Austin.

alamo

You get me, Alamo Drafthouse, you really get me. I’ve always wanted to visit Austin to go to your theatre, and when you come to Brooklyn in 2015, I’ll be first in line.

For now, a warning to moviegoers across this land: Every time you decide to take out your cellphone during a movie, your choice is not just affecting you, but everyone around you. Watch this Alamo Drafthouse PSA and learn: Don’t be a dick.