O, Bieber

Everything’s coming up Bieber in the news lately, eh?

bieber mug shot

This may come as a shock to Americans: I am Canadian, but I am in no way related to Justin Bieber. (Henceforth, I will refer to him as Bieber. Justin is for Timberlake, and Timberlake only). Don’t know him, never met him, will never meet him.

That being said, allow me to present my certified Justin Bieber credentials.

1. In the December 2012, when his Christmas album was released I played it almost non-stop in my open office space to the joy/chagrin of my coworkers.

2. In my old office space, I had a wall of posters, called the Gentlemen’s Wall, which resembled a 12-year-old girl’s bedroom and predominantly featured pictures of Bieber.

bieber wall

3. I know someone who once passed by him on a California boardwalk.

4. I saw Bieber in concert at Madison Square Garden.

5. I time-share a Justin Bieber sweatshirt at said concert.

bieber sweatshirt

6. I watched the Justin Bieber movie twice and found it quite touching. I mean, honestly, how could you not find this adorable?

So let’s talk this petition to deport Bieber. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/deport-justin-bieber-and-revoke-his-green-card/ST1yqHJL

Bieber has been pulling some classic entitled teenage boy bullshit lately. There’s the peeing in a bucket while slandering Bill Clinton; bringing a monkey to Germany without proper animal permits and abandoning it there, and of course “drag-racing” a Yellow Lambo down a residential Miami street. Basically, Bieber is acting out every teenage boy’s dream, in the most recent case as if your life was Grand Theft Auto XIXIXIXIXIXIX.

Now, I have a brother who is a month older than Bieber, and he’s a pretty cool dude. Granted, he doesn’t have a bajillion dollars to throw around in order to get everything he wants and get out of every problem. But my brother also has something that Bieber doesn’t: people who love him and are going to keep him in line. How was it that no one on Bieber’s team thought, “Hey, if you bring an animal into another country, it needs a permit and vaccinations? And if we don’t take care of this, it will be a really big thing on the Internet and totally embarrassing. Maybe we should just leave the monkey at home.”

There are some people who think/believe/hope that Obama is going to deport Bieber.


Really, guys? This is ridiculous. Bieber is not going to get deported. I’m sure the White House response — which is required because the petition reached (and more than exceeded) the 100,000 signature threshold — will be akin to its Death Star one (https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking). But has Bieber broken the law to a severe enough degree to warrant deportation? No. And besides people not liking his music, is he really adversely affecting American society? Not any more than some homegrown American jerks.

Unless new allegations come out (unless? Lol of course something new will come out), it’s not going to happen. Sorry, infinitesimally small percentage of America (I really really tried to calculate what percentage 190,000 people out of 300 million is, but every time I tried I got a different answer. Math is for nerds).

You can’t get deported just for being a dick.

That being said, I’m pretty confident that I don’t know 100,000 who would want me deported. Suck it, Bieber!